I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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