This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
