alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
