You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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