Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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