I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I am spending my child support on dildos
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
