I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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