I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
