ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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