She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
