Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
