You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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