awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
