don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
