ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
