I accidentally had phone sex last night
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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