u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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