No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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