I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
