I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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