Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
