I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
