mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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