i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You are a genius and a whore.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
