My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
