when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
