sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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