He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
