her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
