I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You smell like stripper and shame
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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