Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
