Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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