We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
