We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
