I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
