I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
