Moan for me like Helen Keller
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
