i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
