Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
