I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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