and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
