I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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