She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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