someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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