So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
