Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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