Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
