Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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