Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
