I cannot find my penis.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
