I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
