I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Come share oat with me in your robe
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
