bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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