Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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